A Christmas Column
I originally wrote this for my high school newspaper, circa 1999. There was a minor outcry from offended parents, but my journalism teacher stood firm. I hope that you have a joyful Christmas. And if you received an Amazon gift card or two, don’t forget to order a copy of my new book, Effective Egoism. -DW
For the record, this is a Christmas break column. You heard me – not a winter break column. Not a multicultural, pseudo-egalitarian, appreciation of each and every winter holiday – religious, secular, and otherwise – break column. No, this is a Christmas break column and it shall be devoted to the holiday most Americans celebrate – including me.
The paradox? I don’t for a minute buy into the whole Christmas story. Not to be shrewd, offensive, cynical, or snide but – and trust me when I tell you – VIRGINS DO NOT GIVE BIRTH. If you doubt this ask yourself a question: have you ever seen a nun on birth control?
Why, then, would I celebrate Christmas? The gifts? Nope. The decorations? Wrong again. Good will towards men? Have you ever read my column! No, I celebrate Christmas because it has the best music.
The first Christmas song was written in 1929. After the Great Crash on Wall Street parents could not afford to buy their children gifts. And so, one clever man (or woman, or ape, or whatever will get you politically correct bloodhounds off my back) wrote a now-unknown carol called Shut up, it’s Christmas. The song was a hit and spawned a whole new musical category: Christmas music.
Many of those first Christmas songs are still popular today. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, Frosty the Snowman, Monica the Intern. Each of these tunes inspire in us that feeling unique to Christmas – the feeling which compels us to lie to children so that it is not us whom they thank for their gifts, but a fat man (or woman, or ape…) who breaks into our homes each year.
Unfortunately, Christmas music has become the latest victim of our politically correct times. Following a ban on a number of Christmas classics (the latest example – I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas was pulled from record stores after its lyrics were deemed racist), songwriters have become wary of offending anyone.
Today, classic Christmas songs are being altered to conform to modern social standards. Following are just a few examples:
“Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree,” is now, “Tree, oh tree.”
“I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night,” is now, “I saw my parent or legal guardian embracing another member of the human race underneath a plant.”
“Joy to the world, the Lord has come,” is now, “Joy to the world, some guy is here.”
Now, of course it should offend us when people celebrate holidays we do not – I’m offended by birthday celebrations 364 days out of the year, but I would never ask that people stop singing Happy Birthday except on October 7. Because my birthday is April 28.
The point is, Christmas music should not offend those who don’t celebrate the holiday. We need to learn to respect each other’s differences and accept the fact that Christmas is better than every other holiday – except my birthday.
Dear Don, I love how you can still sound like an angry teenager after all these years. I'd love a specific story about one event in your life that proved to you beyond a doubt that Christmas is the best holiday for you. 🎁
For me, such a finish would transform an immature rant, which is implied by everything you've said here, into an uplifting experience that conquers the doubts that depress many people at this time of year.
All of your objections about Christmas practices are your objections. They’re not everyone’s objections. What counts is your opinion of the good, why it’s good, and what that specific good has done for you.
Despite everything you don’t like about Christmas, there must be that underlying incident, that one event in your life so precious and full of meaning, that despite all your guff, you put Christmas alone on the highest shelf of the holiday wall. Tell us how that happened, please.
Good work, Don. And Merry Christmas!
Re: Don't forget to order a copy of Effective Egoism -- I already did. I'm enjoying it a lot!